#1 Ottawa Senators
It's hard to imagine an NHL team better than today's Ottawa Senators.
This
team is simply unbeatable. Had the Gary Bettman front office not
suspended
one of the Sens' best players for 5 games for an alleged "kick" this team
would likely be undefeated today and remain that way until they repeated
as
Stanley Cup Champions this coming June. Clear the streets, Ottawa, I hear
there's a parade coming through!
#2 Detroit Red Wings
This team started out well but has fallen hard in recent days as the
Senators' dominance has reaped fear around the league. It is clear that
their modest success was based entirely on the generous scheduling.
Unfortunately, this has given them a false sense of confidence that will
hurt them down the road.
#3 New York Rangers
A much improved team - A very good and respectable team. In fact, if the
Senators were not going to win the Stanley Cup in 2006, the Rangers would
have a great shot at it.
#4 Philadelphia Flyers
Playing well, the Flyers are setting themselves up nicely to lose to the
Senators in the first or second round of the playoffs again. It almost
seems shameful what the Sens are going to do to them, but, as usual, it
will
look good on them.
#5 Los Angeles Kings
King of what? Sun****ne? Yes! Hockey? No! The only kings in the NHL live
in Ottawa. Sure, I love LA! But not the Kings.
#6 Colorado Avalanche
Too bad this Avalanche team is loaded with sissies like Steve Moore,
unwilling to face the music when called upon to do what's right and fight
for your honor. Unless this team gets another diving French-Canadian
goalie, Doug Norris isn't going to see another cup run in his lifetime.
#7 Carolina Hurricanes
How did Carolina ever get a hockey team anyway? You'd think a team named
the "Hurricanes" would have been more prone to have been wiped out by one
of
the recent passing hurricanes. This can't happen soon enough. The
question
is, if they were wiped of by a hurricane, would anyone notice? I doubt
it!
#8 Nashville Predators
This may pass for a hockey team for a crowd of drunk, in-bred hillbillies,
but where I come from a predator is something to be feared. The only fear
I
see coming from Nashville is regarding your cousin already having a date
for
the senior prom.
#9 Vancouver Canucks
Home to some of the whiniest, most disgusting fans in the entire NHL, this
team has gone downhill since the Bertuzzi cheap-shot incident. Too bad
Bertuzzi couldn't break the necks of all of the Canucks' opponents'
players.
Unfortunately, even with broken necks a team full of bobblehead Senators
would roll over the Canucks.
#10 Atlanta Thrashers
A much improved team, and indeed not a bad team thanks to the acquisition
of
the Ottawa Senators' trained Marian Hossa. Unfortunately, they are still
no
match for the better teams in the league and the headlines in Atlanta
newspapers on the day following the first Senators-Thrashers match of the
season are likely to read: "Dany Heatley kills more Thrashers."
#11 Edmonton Oilers
The torch has been passed! The last dynasty team known in the NHL has
formally passed its reigns on to the Ottawa Senators. There must have
been
a little oil left on that dynasty, though, as the Senators sure are a
slippery bunch! The Oilers are not doing too well, but they will likely
make the playoffs, only to lose to the Dallas Stars in the playoffs again,
of course.
#12 Montreal Canadiens
This team still has way too many players who can't speak English. No
wonder, given that half of their personnel might very well be illiterate.
Thank goodness booing knows no language. On second thought, maybe they
weren't even booing the US anthem, maybe that's how they speak in
Montreal.
Anyway, no matter how lucky a start the Canadiens got off to, and no
matter
how much their fans boo, the Canadiens are heading straight to the
boooootom
of the standings.
#13 Calgary Flames
Don't know where the flames come from because there is no fire here. Even
if the odd spark were to ignite, the Sens would surely hose them. They'll
be saddling themselves out of the playoffs as quickly as usual. But, they
will at least make the playoffs.
#14 Boston Bruins
They've gotten away from some of their goonery and cheap-shot artistry
this
year. This used to be the only way they could keep powerhouse teams like
the Senators in check. Seems like there's little the Bruins can do but
sit
back and watch as more skilled teams slide right by them. It's good they
won the world series recently because this is the last major trophy this
city will be seeing for a long while.
#15 Anaheim Mighty Ducks
They're just ducky alright...Too back there's so much duck and so little
might here. They're getting by and seem poised to make the playoffs, but
by
then it's duck hunting season in California, and Mickey's gonna get his.
#16 Dallas Stars
Don't know where the stars are here? I certainly see more stars in Ottawa
than in Dallas when it comes to NHL hockey.
#17 Phoenix Coyotes
Had they not hired Gretzky to run the bench no one would even know whether
or not they're still in the NHL. From their team's nickname to their logo
and their play on the ice, this team is minor bush league all the way,
still
better and classier than the Maple leafs, however.
#18 Minnesota Wild
I don't know about you but I don't know anyone who's wild about Minnesota.
Not much going on on the ice hear except for the ice fi****ng. Most of the
Wild players should be sent to the Mayo Clinic for observation - I think
they're dead.
#19 New York Islanders
Constantly losing to the Ottawa Senators in the regular season and the
playoffs has not been good for this team. The fact that they have any
fight
at all left in them is truly remarkable. If they happen to make the
playoffs broom sales in the opponent's home city will be strong.
#20 Tampa Bay Lightning
This team needs a million more volts of power if it thinks it can get
anywhere in the NHL. Things are not getting any better for the lightning
and they will likely be zapped by the Senators who have corralled most of
the offensive power in the NHL.
#21 San Jose Sharks
Is this team in Mexico? Sounds Mexican! Anyway, speaking of Mexicans,
this
team is going to have to count on illegal aliens filling the arena if
things
get much worse for this team. Sharks management might do well to start
growing vegetables and grape vines in the isles to make the new fans feel
more at home.
#22 New Jersey Devils
One of the most insipid NHL teams. Not sure whether they're still bribing
Gary Bettman or lacing their opponent's water bottles with home-grown
toxic
waste or not, but if they are it's not working anymore. This team is
heading south fast. Many dreams have been ruined by New Jersey crimes and
the freezin' weather there has surely dashed many a hockey fan's cup
dreams.
#23 Florida Panthers
Why are they panting? They sure aren't skating very fast. God, that was
as
bad as this team is playing. But anyway, I hear that panthers like cool,
damp places, so it's good that this team will be spending the winter in
the
basement.
#24 Pittsburgh Penguins
The blue collar trash of Pittsburgh might see something in this team, but
I
sure don't. The Penguins are proving that drafting and signing to next
top
prospect does nothing for your team as long as you have an arena half full
of blue collar trash union members. Maybe if the fans spent more time
cheering and less time "on break" their team would perform better on the
ice.
#25 Buffalo Sabres
This team is just another team left demoralized by the Senators. Any
morale
in the Sabres was taken away by those clobberings by Ottawa - proving once
and for all that the clobber is mightier than the sabre.
#26 Toronto Maple Leafs
Clearly the most insipid team in all of professional s****ts. If the
Stanley
Cup were awarded for cheap-shot artistry, lying, goonery, and whining
there
is no way this team would have gone nearly 40 years without hoisting it.
Alas, Leafs Fans, surely the next 38 cup-less years will pass just as fast
as the last 38. Things just keep getting worse and worse for the Leafs
and
all indications are that they haven't quite hit rock bottom yet - a few
more
drunk Leafs alumni at team parties and we might just see this bottom!
#27 Chicago Black Hawks
This is a bad team all around. You need Ferris Bueler to take a winter
day
off to get your crowd riled up and you team going.
#28 Wa****ngton Capitals
Time to apply some capital punishment here. This team is dying a long,
slow
death. May as well put it out of its misery. Move it to Montreal as per
the reciprocal agreement with Major League Baseball, and then fold the
Montreal Canadiens.
#29 Columbus Blue Jackets
Are the Blue Jackets still in the NHL? They must be playing on blue ice
because I haven't seen them at all this year. Invisible, out of sight,
out
of mind. No wonder they need jackets as they'll just be standing around
on
ice watching the Senators skate circles around them.
#30 St. Louis Blues
I would be "blue" too if I were on any other team than the Senators. This
demoralized team will continue to perform poorly against all but the worst
teams in the NHL. The odd win might come the Blues' way in games against
Toronto, New Jersey, and other lesser NHL teams.
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